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5 things to do if you’re struggling to make friends

Friends taking a selfie

Making friends in college and adulthood may feel more challenging than it used to be when you were younger, and that’s okay. You’re not alone. 

If you’re struggling to cultivate friendships on campus, here are some tips that can help. 

1. Work through your emotions 

If you are struggling with anxious or worried thoughts, consider how you can acknowledge and recognize these thoughts without acting on them.  

You can do this through a variety of methods, including: 

  • Labeling: If you’re feeling worried that someone may not like you, try labeling the thought by saying, “I am having the thought that this person may not like me.” This can help you recognize that while you’re having this thought, that doesn’t make it true. 
  • Affirming: If you are worried about being rejected by someone or feeling awkward, you can say affirmations like, “I am feeling confident” (even if it doesn’t feel true) or “I can’t control how others feel about me and that’s okay.” 
  • Progressive relaxation: Take a minute to systematically tense and then relax each muscle group in your body, starting from your head all the way down to your toes. You can hold the tension for five to seven seconds before releasing it completely. This exercise can help you reduce tension in your body before going into different social situations. 
  • Breathing: One of the best ways to manage our emotions and the associated physical sensations is through our breath. If you’re sitting down, plant your feet firmly on the ground and straighten your posture. Start by taking a deep breath in through your nose for four seconds, feeling your belly expand. Then exhale the breath through your mouth for another seven seconds. Making noise as you breathe out, such as a sigh, can also help relieve pent up anxiety or energy. 

If you’re still feeling anxious, try to acknowledge and recognize anxious or worried thoughts without acting on them. One way to do this is to separate yourself from your thoughts by labeling them. 

2. Reflect on different situations and possible alternatives 

It can be intimidating to be vulnerable and put yourself out there. This can be especially true in different social situations. Reflecting on and exploring how you respond to different types of interactions can help you come up with ways to work through your discomfort or find alternative ways of making friends.  

First, consider what kinds of social situations are most difficult for you: 

  • Approaching someone in class
  • Asking someone new to hang out
  • Initiating a conversation with someone
  • Spending one-on-one time with someone
  • Hanging out as a group or attending a group event
  • Something else 

Next, consider ways that you can navigate different situations effectively: 

  • Consider sitting next to someone for a few class periods to make small talk and build rapport before asking them to study with you.
  • Start with inviting people to join you in less intimidating activities, like walking to class together or picking up a coffee to go from the Laughing Goat afterwards.
  • Try asking simple questions that you can both relate to, such as “How did you feel about this assignment?” or “What are your plans for the weekend?”
  • Hang out as a group by inviting the other person to bring their friends or other people they know from class, so you can all hang out together.
  • Look for events or group activities that have a smaller capacity, such as fitness classes, DIY Nights at the UMC or registration-only options (these tend to limit participants). 

Exposing yourself to different situations, experimenting with different tactics and allowing for a variety of outcomes can help you build more confidence in making friends or interacting with people. This can also help you avoid the urge to isolate or avoid people altogether. 

3. Seek out multiple forms of connection 

Forming meaningful relationships can take time. That’s why it’s important to be patient and stay open to different types of relationships with people. 

Here are some different types of relationships you may seek out: 

  • Someone you can study with.
  • Someone you can enjoy specific activities or hobbies with.
  • Someone you can go to the dining center with.
  • Someone you can hang out with in a group setting.
  • Someone you can trust and talk to openly and honestly.
  • Someone you can hang out with during work hours.
  • Someone you can go to events with on campus. 

Keep in mind that everyone brings different things to relationships, and it’s okay if someone doesn’t end up becoming your best friend. Maybe you have a best friend back home that you cherish, or a group chat with high school friends that keeps you connected. Maintaining friendships is important and so is making new friends! If you feel hesitant to form new friendships, consider what you might enjoy from having a local friend–even if it’s just someone to eat with, study with or have as a workout partner. Forming a variety of friendships can still help you create a more robust social network that you can rely on for different types of support and connection. 

4. Stay present 

When faced with social uncertainty or discomfort, reaching for your phone can provide an instant escape. Many people use their phones in line at the coffee shop, to fill time before or between classes, to fill the awkward silence in the elevator, while eating lunch or even during brief pauses in conversation. While this can help us feel relieved in the moment, it can also rob us of opportunities to connect with others in real life. 

Instead, practice staying present in the moment and use these pauses in your day to connect with someone near you. This could include striking up a conversation with someone next to you in class or someone traveling to the same place as you on the bus. 

If you struggle to put down your phone, consider: 

  • Turning off notifications and keeping your phone in your backpack during lulls in the day.
  • Designate specific times to take your phone out or check your notifications and keep it out of sight and out of mind the rest of the day.
  • Reflect on why you’re reaching for your phone by asking yourself “Why am I picking up my phone right now? Am I using it to avoid something?”
  • Encourage everyone to put their phones down and away when hanging out or spending time together, such as when you’re studying, playing board games, having dinner, etc.
  • Be a model for other people by giving them your full attention without distractions. 

These tactics may take practice, especially if you check your phone frequently throughout the day. However, developing comfort with being phone-free can help you create more meaningful relationships over time. When you’re fully present, you are more likely to pick up on subtle emotional cues, share more authentic moments, build trust and allow for vulnerability. 

5. Connect with resources 

There are a variety of resources on campus that can help you build confidence, manage anxiety and find ways to connect with fellow Buffs. 

Counseling and Psychiatric Services (CAPS) 
CAPS supports students in a variety of ways, including: 

  • Developing interpersonal skills
  • Managing anxiety
  • Regulating emotions
  • Addressing mental health concerns 

Peer Wellness Coaching 
Trained CU Boulder students are here to help their fellow Buffs with: 

  • Getting connected on campus
  • Finding ways to get involved
  • Navigating relationships
  • Managing stress
  • Practicing self-care
  • Finding work-life-school balance 

Student events 
Departments across campus host hundreds of events to help students explore their hobbies, make connections and have fun on campus. 

Student organizations 
CU has a variety of student organizations that can provide a sense of community and allow students to pursue their passions or hobbies with the support of a group. 

Affinity groups 
Find ways to get connected with different affinity groups on campus: