College can be an exciting time of growth, independence and new experiences. It can also bring academic, social, financial and personal stress. As a family member, it can be difficult to know when your student is simply having a hard time and when they may need more support. 

You don’t have to be an expert to help. If you're concerned your student may be significantly struggling, a caring conversation can open the door to support. Remember, asking directly about suicide and safety does not increase the risk, in fact, it can be a huge relief to students who are having those thoughts. It can also help you understand what your student is experiencing so you can connect them with help.  

Here are six ways to start a conversation and support your student. 

1. Notice changes and check in 

There is no single sign that tells you someone is thinking about suicide. Still, significant changes in behavior, mood or daily functioning can be a reason to check in. 

You may notice that your student: 

• Withdraws from friends, family or activities they usually enjoy 

• Has significant changes in sleep, eating, hygiene or academic performance 

• Uses alcohol or other substances more than usual 

• Seems unusually agitated, hopeless, trapped or overwhelmed 

• Takes more risks or engages in self-destructive behavior 

• Talks or writes about death, dying or suicide 

• Says they feel like a burden or that there is no reason to live 

• Gives away important possessions or seems to be putting things in order 

These signs can have many causes, but they are reasons to reach out rather than wait for things to get worse. 

You might start with something simple: “I've noticed you haven't seemed like yourself lately. How are you doing?” 

2. Share what you've noticed without judgment 

When you're worried, it can be tempting to ask a lot of questions or immediately offer solutions. Instead, start by sharing what you've observed and why you care. 

Try: “I've noticed you've been spending less time with your friends, and I'm worried about you.” Or: “It seems like things have been really hard lately. I care about you and want to understand how you're doing.” 

Your student may be hesitant to open up because they don't want to worry you, disappoint you or feel judged. Let them know that you would rather hear about what they're experiencing than have them struggle alone. 

3. Ask directly about suicide 

If you're concerned, don't be afraid to use the word suicide. 

You might say: “I'm asking because I care about you. Are you thinking about suicide?” 

Asking directly does not plant the idea of suicide or increase suicidal thoughts. It can actually make it easier for someone who is struggling to talk honestly about what they're experiencing. 

If your student says no, thank them for talking with you and keep the conversation open. 

If they say yes, take them seriously. You do not need to solve everything in that moment. Stay connected, listen and help them reach appropriate support. 

You can also ask whether they are in immediate danger or have taken steps toward harming themselves (e.g., whether they have materials needed to act on thoughts of suicide). You are not expected to conduct a clinical assessment but these questions can help you get a sense of their immediate safety. Your job is to recognize when your student may need urgent help and connect them with people who can provide it. 

4. Stay calm, listen and take them seriously 

Hearing that your student is thinking about suicide can be frightening. You may feel shocked, scared, angry or even guilty. Those reactions are understandable. However, staying outwardly composed can help your student feel supported. 

Try to keep your focus on your student in the moment. Listen without arguing, minimizing their feelings or rushing to reassure them that everything will be fine. 

You might say: 

• “I'm really glad you told me.” 

• “I can see that you're hurting.” 

• “You don't have to handle this by yourself.” 

You do not need to have the perfect words. Being present, listening and showing that you can handle the conversation can make it easier for your student to keep talking. 

If your student asks you to keep suicidal thoughts a secret, don't make that promise. Their safety comes first. You can be honest and caring: “I want to respect your privacy, and I also want to make sure you're safe. We may need to bring in someone who can help us.” 

5. Help your student connect to support 

You aren’t your student’s therapist, but you can play an important role in helping connect them to support. 

At CU Boulder, students can receive 24/7 crisis support through Counseling & Psychiatric Services (CAPS) by calling 303-492-2277. Family members can also call CAPS to share concerns and get guidance about supporting a student, even when privacy rules limit what CAPS can share about a student's care. CAPS can also provide resources on how to connect with a therapist for ongoing support, whether that's on campus or with a local provider.  

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is another option. Call or text 988 for free, confidential, 24/7 crisis support. You can contact 988 for yourself or because you're concerned about someone else. 

6. Know when to get emergency help 

Some situations call for more than a supportive conversation.  

If your student may be in immediate danger: 

• Stay with them or keep them on the phone while you arrange help. 

• Do not leave them alone if you believe they may hurt themselves. 

• Help create a safer environment by reducing access to potentially lethal means, such as firearms or medications. A crisis counselor or mental health professional can help you think through what steps are appropriate. 

• Call or text 988 for immediate crisis guidance. 

• For an immediate, life-threatening emergency, call 911. 

If you're supporting your student from another city or state, you can still take action. Stay on the phone or video call with them, help them identify someone nearby who can be with them, and contact campus or local resources when additional support is needed.