Apologies, Good and Bad
Dear Faculty Relations: I got into an argument with a colleague. I don’t want to go into the details, but let’s just say it got heated and I called her research a “con job.” (Yes, I know that was inappropriate.) What do I do? —Plain Talker
Dear Plain Talker: You might already know what I’m going to suggest. I think you should apologize. I’m guessing that while you know that your comment was inappropriate, you likely believe it has a kernel of truth. And that’s fair. We don’t have to like everyone with whom we work, and we don’t have to admire their research. But there are skillful and less-than-skillful ways of expressing our opinions, and your comment was unprofessional.
The good news is that when we apologize, we aren’t apologizing for our beliefs or feelings. We’re apologizing for the impact of our words and actions. And in your case, it’s likely this comment had an impact on your colleague.
Let’s start with what a good apology isn’t. A good apology stays away from buts and ifs (“I’m sorry, but I was having a bad day. If you could just learn to defend your research…”). It also doesn’t shift the responsibility to the other person (“I’m sorry that you were offended”).
What are good ways to apologize? Start by saying “I’m sorry.” Words matter. The sentence “I’m sorry” is similar to what the philosopher J.L. Austin called an “performative utterance.” Just like you can't be held to a promise you didn’t make, you can’t do sorry without saying it.
And just like saying “I promise” isn’t sufficient to put you in someone’s debt, simply saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t itself do the trick. Ideally, your words will also indicate that you acknowledge the harm that occurred and that you accept responsibility for that harm. Apologies are like baking bread or throwing a baseball, simultaneously simple and difficult.
Need some help or even some practice? Here is a wonderful book, and this video is similarly helpful. On campus, Faculty Relations coaches faculty around meaningful apologies, and we’d love to help you.
Written by Burke Hilsabeck, Director of Faculty Relations & Community, Office of Faculty Affairs