Boundaries
Dear Faculty Relations: I have a colleague who has a skewed sense of personal space. They often walk into my office without knocking and launch into long monologues about whatever is on their mind. Don’t get me wrong, I like them fine. I just want them to respect my boundaries. —Pestered Prof
Dear Pestered Prof: It can be frustrating and uncomfortable when someone crosses a boundary. Maybe they share too much at the start of a meeting. Maybe they ask you to do something that isn’t your responsibility. Maybe they even put an unwanted hand on your shoulder during a chat in the hallway.
But I do have to ask: have you let this person know what your boundaries are? Your boundaries may be clear to you, but I’m willing to wager a pretty penny that they are not clear to your colleague.
The good news is that you’ve already taken the first step, which is identifying your boundary. (I hear you saying that you don’t want someone to enter your office without first checking that you have the time and energy to talk.)
The next step is to articulate that boundary. What messages are you sending non-verbally? A wide-open door can be an invitation to talk. Are you huddled in your work or are you facing that open door? If non-verbal cues don’t work, resort to plain language and keep it simple. “I use my office for difficult tasks, and I am not always ready to talk. Please knock before coming in. I will let you know if I have the time to talk.”
And finally, you have to hold this boundary. A boundary is no good if it’s spoken and not done. You may need to speak your boundary a few times before your colleague recognizes that you are serious and that you really do need them to knock.
Let’s celebrate the fact that your colleague isn’t abrasive or even uncollegial. I’ll bet you a latte that when you state your boundary clearly this person will appreciate your honesty. And who knows? Stating and holding your boundary might just create the space for dialogue and friendship.
Written by Burke Hilsabeck, Assistant Director of Faculty Relations, Office of Faculty Affairs