The relationship we have with our students may change over time, especially as they transition from adolescence into adulthood. As our students begin to explore their individuality and independence, it is important to discuss boundaries. Here are some tips to help you navigate conversations and boundaries with your student.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries represent the limits, rules or expectations that we set in order to protect our own well-being. Setting healthy boundaries can help us navigate relationships in a more positive way and avoid feelings of anger, resentment or burnout. They can also help our students navigate the demands of adulthood and build confidence in their abilities.
Here are some examples of the different types of boundaries you and your student may set with each other.
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Physical boundaries refer to your personal space, including:
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Emotional boundaries refer to your feelings, including:
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Material boundaries refer to your money and/or physical possessions, including:
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Time boundaries refer to your personal time and commitments, including:
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Starting the conversation
When it comes to setting (and enforcing) boundaries, communication is key. It’s also important to remember that good communication often starts with listening. When discussing boundaries with your student, try to focus your full attention on listening to what they have to say. Resist the urge to plan out your response while your student is speaking. Instead, allow them to share their thoughts uninterrupted and encourage them to do the same for you.
When we feel heard and validated, we are more likely to open up in a conversation. This is especially true for students who may be anxious or nervous about sharing something that your student knows you may be unhappy with or concerned about. Creating an open dialogue with your student regarding their boundaries can also help them feel more comfortable bringing up issues or expressing themselves in the future. While not every conversation will be easy, both parties should feel safe bringing up potentially difficult topics and expressing their needs.
Supporting your student
As your student starts to explore and communicate their boundaries, it’s important to let them know that you support them in advocating for their well-being. Here are a few ways to support your student through this process:
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Remind them that boundaries represent an essential part of self-care. It’s common for students to feel guilty about setting and enforcing boundaries with others. Remind your student that it may take time and practice to figure out what boundaries are most important to them and how to best implement them in their life.
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Create and set new routines that work for your family. As you learn more about your student’s personal boundaries, you may find it beneficial to revisit or change the routines you have established as a family. For instance, if you have an open door policy at home, it may be worth considering a knock-before-entering policy when your student is visiting for the summer.
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Be a role model for your student. As students begin to navigate boundaries, it can be helpful to have a role model at home to show them that we can set boundaries and still love and care about someone in the process.
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Work through conflict. Disagreements and conflict are normal in any relationship. It’s common for students to have different opinions, preferences, beliefs and values than their family. Working through a disagreement in a healthy way by talking respectfully and listening to understand each other is an important component of any relationship.
Campus resources
If your student is looking for additional support, there are a variety of resources on campus that can help.
Peer Wellness Coaching
Peer wellness coaches are trained students who can help their fellow Buffs navigate their time at CU. They are here to help students set and achieve their goals related to academic success, relationships, time management, personal wellness and more.
Let’s Talk
Let’s Talk is a free service where CU Boulder students can meet for an informal, brief and confidential consultation with a counselor. Let’s Talk counselors can help provide insight, solutions and information about additional resources. Students commonly visit with concerns about stress, sadness, worry, relationships, academic performance, family problems and financial struggles.
Student Conduct and Conflict Resolution (SCCR)
SCCR offers free conflict coaching and other resources for working through disagreements. They’re here to help students build stronger relationships with friends, roommates, professors and other people in your life.
Group therapy
Group therapy (a service covered by student mental health fees) provides a supportive space for students to deepen their self-understanding, explore ways of relating more comfortably with others and learn tools and skills to navigate relationships. This group can also help students learn to deal with feelings of depression or anxiety, family dynamics and other personal concerns.
WellCU
Students can learn valuable tips and tools for taking care of themselves and navigating their relationships with others. Topics include supporting survivors of trauma, suicide prevention, de-escalation techniques and more.