The Difference Between Helpful and Hurtful Behaviors in Relationships

We can build supportive relationships 

Supportive relationships are ones that improve our well-being. They are often places where people can be the best version of themselves and be offered care and consideration. We can build supportive relationships in our working environments, in the classroom, amongst our friends, and in dating relationships. Fine tuning our ability to communicate, disagree, and trust can help us be skilled in these relationships.  

Building Connection 

Our communication is supportive when: 

• We can both talk openly about our feelings, preferences, needs and hopes. 

• We respect each other’s privacy, limits and property. When feeling insecure, we seek out connection instead of control. 

We undermine connection when: 

• One or both of us consistently disrespects, ignores or demeans the other person’s ideas and feelings. 

• There are lots of times where it seems like one or both of us hurts the other person’s feelings intentionally. Apologies don’t generally lead to changed behavior. 

Establishing Trust 

We build trust in a relationship over time when we show up for each other, keep our word, and respect each other’s limits.  

We build trust when: 

We can choose to share intimate details about ourselves and know that the other person will respect our vulnerability.  

• Solo time and spending time with other friends are seen as valuable and important in helping each of us be the best we can be!  

We erode trust when:    

• One or both of us uses the other person’s deeply personal thoughts and feelings to hurt or manipulate.  

• One or both of us expresses jealousy or hypervigilance when the other person talks to or spends time with friends, family, classmates or others. The feeling of jealousy is used to control, limit or frighten the other. 

Navigating Disagreement 

It is a normal part of all relationships for disagreements to pop up every now and again. Conflict management skills and perspective taking can allow us to move through these differences in a way that stays respectful and supportive. 

We manage disagreement helpfully when: 

• We both can communicate our frustration, hurt or perspectives in a way that doesn’t belittle the other. 

• We assume the best in each other. We realize that everyone has flaws, and we don’t use those to put each other down. 

• When conflict is about something we both need to agree on, we try to find realistic solutions that meet both of our needs. 

It’s hurtful when:  

• One or both of us make a habit of downplaying, physically harming or using anger to end an argument. 

• Because of a disagreement, one or both of us acts like the other is simply a bad person. Demeaning name-calling and put downs are used. 

For more examples, check out the OVA website or print out a poster.