As our students begin to make their way home for an extended fall break, it’s important to remember that this is as much of an adjustment for them as it is for us. Spending time with family can be as stressful as it is enjoyable, especially in times like these. Remember that it’s possible to both love our students and disagree with them. This type of conflict is normal and doesn’t necessarily need to be resolved.
That being said, it’s important that we communicate our thoughts and views with respect and be willing to consider what our students have to say. Here are some tips to help you get through and make the most of tough conversations.
Starting a tough conversation
Plan ahead
Sometimes, it’s our job to initiate tough conversations with our students. Whether we are concerned about their academics, mental health, substance use or their overall well-being, preparing for the conversation in advance can be helpful. Planning ahead can help you organize your thoughts, share your views in a respectful way and be open to hearing your student's perspective more effectively. When getting ready for a tough conversation, take a few minutes to consider these questions:
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What do I want to accomplish by having this conversation?
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What would be an ideal outcome?
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How might this conversation affect our relationship?
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How will I know when it’s time to take a break?
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What assumptions am I making about my student?
Before going into a potentially stressful conversation, it’s important to check-in with ourselves about what we’re expecting and what might realistically happen, so we can prepare ourselves for less-than-ideal outcomes.
If you’re not the one to initiate the conversation, it can be helpful to ask your student for time to pull your thoughts together before engaging with them. Make a plan and pick a time when you both can talk. This will help you feel more prepared, and the conversation won’t catch you off guard.
Working through a tough conversation
Pick a quiet space
It can be difficult to start a tough conversation. Choosing a quiet area to talk, finding a time that works for both you and your student, explaining why you want to have this conversation and sharing what you hope will come of it can all make for a better interaction.
Focus on listening
Good communication starts with listening. Approach disagreements or conflict with a sense of curiosity and utilize active listening skills. This can help us work past surface-level disagreements and explore underlying issues more effectively. Too often, we focus on how we will respond rather than understanding our student’s point of view. Allow your student to share their thoughts uninterrupted, and encourage them to do the same for you.
Clarify
In the heat of the moment, there can be disconnect between what someone is saying and what we are hearing. To avoid misunderstandings, it can be helpful to clarify each of our perspectives by asking open ended questions like:
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Can you tell me more about that?
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What is important to you about that?
Each of you should share your perspective without assigning blame or judgment. “I” statements can be a great tool to help you express and reflect on your own behaviors, thoughts and feelings. Students and parents can download a free PDF for examples of active listening and “I” statements from Student Conduct and Conflict Resolution (SCCR). This sheet provides tips for how to frame “I” statements and practice other active listening skills.
De-escalate or take a break
When we have tough conversations, they can become heated or escalate more than we might have expected. When this happens, it may even lead you to say something that you regret later. In these situations, de-escalating is an important tool to bring everyone back to the facts.
If the volume ticks up, use your own voice to bring it back down; if you find yourself getting frustrated, take a moment and breathe before speaking again. If need be, take a break and return to the conversation after everyone has time to cool off. Taking a short walk, having a snack or getting a good night’s sleep are all great strategies to help us “cool off”.
Moving forward
Reflect and follow up if needed
While it would be nice, change doesn’t happen overnight. Conversations don’t always resolve the way we’d like, and more often than not, seeing progress requires a series of conversations and a willingness to keep trying. If things feel like they’re unresolved, let the person know that you appreciate their time and you’d like to follow up with them in the future. Give them some time and space before engaging again. If things are resolved more quickly, share your appreciation and gratitude with your student and let them know you value their help and input.