Studying abroad could have ruined my recovery, until a stuffed porcupine named Todd helped
In college, routine and a good community have kept my recovery strong. By studying abroad, I left everything that made me feel safe and kept me sober.
I am in recovery from a substance use disorder, bipolar disorder, trauma and an eating disorder. I am a college senior at the University of Colorado Boulder and very involved in a collegiate recovery program.
A collegiate recovery program provides community, support and structure for students in recovery. There are more than 200 collegiate recovery programs across the nation. Without this community, I would have not met some of my best friends and grown into the woman I am today.
A few things I do to maintain my recovery include having a strong routine, staying involved with a community of like-minded people and living in a substance-free home.
Last fall, I studied abroad in Prague, the Czech Republic. It was a huge decision for me, not only because I’d be going to a different country, but also because I would be apart from everything that I knew helped me.
My recovery had given me enough confidence to travel abroad. This was a big step. However, I didn’t realize until I left the country how vital community, routine and a sober living space are to my life. I didn’t realize that for the past three years, it was these things that have been able to keep me off of heavy antipsychotics, out of the psych ward and out of a coffin.
I left behind what made me safe
After my first week in Prague, I realized that a community, routine and safe living space were all taken from me, and panic set in. There was vodka in my house, no other sober students, and the routine — what routine? I did not have a great first month in Prague because of these feelings of panic, being unmoored and a lack of safety.
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During the first week of class in Prague, one of my instructors mentioned a final project that would be due at the end of the semester: a digital storytelling project. A digital story is essentially just telling a narrative through the use of multimedia. As an ex-YouTube music video maker, I was ecstatic. I love making subpar YouTube videos on iMovie.
I set the intention that I wanted to make this project for more than just a grade; I wanted it to be something I could bring back with me and share with my friends and family about my experience abroad.
I knew I wanted to tell my story about being sober in Europe and the difficulties I’ve been having, but I also didn’t want the spotlight to be fully on me. So I put it on Todd. Todd is a stuffed porcupine with a substance use disorder. We are very alike. In fact, some may say we are the exact same person (because we are).
How a stuffed porcupine set me free
Once I decided that I would utilize Todd to tell my story, things got easier.
The focus of my trips became taking photos of Todd in different places. On the rare occasion that I would go to clubs, I would have a nonalcoholic drink in one hand and Todd in the other. When I traveled alone to Barcelona, Spain, I met a lot of amazing people and I had them take a picture with Todd. Everywhere I traveled, I brought Todd with me.
He became my safety blanket. Todd became the way I could connect with others while still feeling safe and secure. Sometimes, I felt weird bringing Todd out in the middle of a club or some other social event, but other people thought it was funny and enjoyed it. I realized that my mind had trapped me in myself; by partnering with Todd I was set free.
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There are many real reasons why people in recovery might not go abroad. The fears, the stigma, the lack of support, the challenge of staying sober, the distance from community are just some challenges I experienced. The shame and isolation are significant, yet nobody talks about it. The stigma of being in recovery is real. The lack of support in unfamiliar countries makes it even more challenging.
Although it was hard in the beginning, I am so grateful that I went abroad and overcame some of my fears. I learned that people don’t actually care as much about you being sober as you think they do. I also learned that if you set boundaries, stay open and trust, just a little, you can have a safe, amazing, life-changing experience solo in a completely different country.
I hope my digital storytelling project with Todd reaches the people who need to see it and shows other people in recovery that mental health problems do not limit life — they can actually make it limitless.
Isabelle Lavery graduates this year from the University of Colorado Boulder, where she studies communications.
