Meagan> The incest fantasies actually "soften" me to my history: release huge amounts of rage and shame. I analyze each "session" and work through to what I actually wanted from a man, in that situation. Specifically, a father--what I've found out (long ignored/denied) is how much I wanted a man to love me. A father. Now I'm working through the training that tells me the way to get that is through sex. Understand?
<_JBerg> Then, it may have proven to be beneficial to you. If so, then I am happy for you.
Meagan> I don't play these fantasies in life, although I have multiple partners, both male and female. *That* feels like a dirty wall. Here, I can click in and out, at will.
<_JBerg> Don't make the common mistake of thinking that just because this isn't physically happening, it won't "hurt" you.
<_JBerg> Remember that rage you felt today?
Meagan> Oh yes.
<_JBerg> I'm of the opinion that this is simply desensitizing you. If so, then it is not beneficial and could conceivably be harming you.
Meagan> I've thought of that, myself. It worries me, to be honest.
<_JBerg> However, this is not something I can argue. Since I'm not in your shoes. Only *you* can decide its worth.
Meagan> I don't want to do it forever. I want to do it until it has no more control over me. That's all. Anyway, you should know that my therapist thinks the same thing about the netsex, just so you don't feel outnumbered. :)
<_JBerg> *My* opinion is
of no value. Yours, is the important thing in this.
Meagan> No: yours is, too. You know more about this/ have more experience.
<_JBerg> Meag, a query for you...
<_JBerg> Would it be good therapy for you to attend single bars to flirt? After all, you could always get up and leave, at any time.
Meagan> Maybe. Yes. But not on the subject of incest. Unless it were a singles pedophiles' bar. In which case, there's that "dirty wall" again.
<_JBerg> Basically, I'm leading up to "What really makes the irc 'better' therapy than any other sexual activity?" The answer is, here you don't have to look the guy in his eyes.
Meagan> No. Only that it's not really "me." It's just a part of me. I can leave it here. On the net.
<_JBerg> Or, leave it in the pedophile bar? :)
Meagan> Yuk. :)
<_JBerg> Role playing is dangerous therapy, at the best.
Meagan> I am, by the way, sexually compulsive. This is by no means the only sex I have. Would that it were...:)
<_JBerg> Perhaps it is working for you. Perhaps it isn't. I'm not willing to make a judgment call on how it affects you.
Meagan> Role playing is in my head. I control it. I want a daddy. I want him to love me. I don't know when it's going to kick in on some level other than intellectually that this is sick.
<_JBerg> You've been seeking a blessing (or a condemnation) from me. I'm withholding opinion. :) Sorry.
Meagan> Neither blessing nor condemnation. Wisdom. And you've already given it. (tag) :)
<_JBerg> Meag, why feel that a daddy/girl relationship is bad/wrong? Until you can accept it as potentially "ok," you won't be able to accept *yourself*.
Meagan> Excellent point. If I knew the answer to that, my childhood would be complete.
<_JBerg> Learn to accept what you fear. Embrace the good points of what frightens. Only then, can you learn to love yourself for having that thing within yourself. Once you learn to not fear that which is within you, you will discover it losing control over you.
Meagan> I told you: that's what I'm attempting here. This is *my* experiment.
<_JBerg> No Meag, here you play a dangerous game.
Meagan> Jesus, I wish you'd quit saying that. What's dangerous about it??
<_JBerg> While the game might provide you with a "win," you can't afford a "loss."
Meagan> Describe a "loss."
<_JBerg> I could provide many potential loss scenarios. However, each would individually be easily refutable.
Meagan> Excepting people actually coming out of the net and into my life, I have trouble seeing any real harm. My therapist is petrified, however; I must be blind.