Grief and Grieving
Grief is the process by which we adjust to the loss of someone (or something). It is therefore the inevitable companion to our love for and attachment to someone or something which is close to us and has meaning for us. It is important to understand that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to grieve or experience grief. Everyone will go through the grieving process somewhat differently. There are however some commonalities that most people experience when they have lost a loved one. Emotional numbness, guilt, denial, sadness and anger can all be a part of this process as well as physical manifestations such as sleeplessness, fatigue and a loss of appetite.
Grief is Normal
When someone is grieving, there is usually an intense feeling of
sorrow or sadness. The grieving process allows us to accept the
loss we feel and go on with our lives. It is important to experience
grief after a loss to avoid ‘bottling up’ our feelings.
Absence of the grieving process following a loss can cause physical
illnesses and emotional problems. Experiencing and working through
the grieving process is or can be a painful experience - but necessary
to ensure future emotional and physical health.
The Grieving Process
It is generally believed that the grieving process can be less painful
if we understand the various stages and see it as a natural and
normal part of life. Following are some of the predictable stages – understanding
that we all grieve differently and not all people go through all
these stages.
- Emotional Numbness: this is often the first reaction to a loss and may last from a few hours to days, weeks or years. The numbness can help us get through those practical arrangements that may have to be made regarding the loss. If the numbness persists, it could pose a problem that should be addressed through professional help.
- Sadness: the emotional numbness usually gives way to an intense sadness, silence, loneliness, and for some people withdrawal from family and friends. This sadness is often accompanied by sudden outbursts of tears and memories associated with the loss. Prolonged sadness can turn into depression which may need professional assistance to be alleviated.
- Anger: during this stage, we feel anger over the loss and its unfairness. We may find ourselves displacing this anger onto others – most often those who are closest to us.
- Guilt: following a loss, many people feel a sense of guilt that is associated with all the things we didn’t do or say to the person whom we have lost. It is important to accept our humanness and forgive ourselves in order to proceed with the grieving process.
- Loneliness: as we move on with our life, we begin to experience the loss as a feeling of loneliness (and at times fear). It is important to reach out to others during this time.
- Acceptance: with the passage of time, we begin to accept the loss. This does not mean immediate happiness but rather an acceptance of the reality of the loss.
- Hope: we eventually reach a point in the grieving process where remembering is less painful, ‘let go’ of the loss and begin to look forward to the future.
Length of the Grieving Process
The grieving process can be lengthy and should not be rushed. Its
length varies by individual and situation. It is believed that
in general, it takes most people one or two years to ‘recover’ from
a major loss.
Coping with Grief
There are many things that can be done to cope with the grief that
is felt following a loss. It is important to ask for help and
support from family and friends – or you may decide to join
a grief support group. Discussing your feelings – be they
anger, guilt, or sadness openly and honestly helps the grieving
process. If your religious convictions are important to you, talk
with a member of the clergy about your feelings and beliefs. During
this process of grieving, avoid making major decisions as you
may not have your usual good judgment. And, give yourself time;
it takes time to heal which means you have to be patient with
yourself and others.
Unresolved Grief
Some people do not seem to go through the grieving process. They
don’t cry at the funeral, they avoid mention of the loss
of someone significant and return to normal activities very quickly.
This may be their normal way of adjusting to loss and no harm
may result. However, others may suffer from physical symptoms
or repeated bouts with depression over the ensuing years. Sometimes
the demands of family or work do not allow time to grieve. Or,
some individuals may begin the grieving process and then get ‘stuck’.
In either case, the sense of disbelief seems to be prolonged.
It is often advisable for someone who experiences an unresolved
grieving process to seek professional help to assist with this
important healing process.
Seeking Help
Frequently it is helpful for people who are experiencing grief to
talk with someone who can be of assistance. That may be a counselor,
a clergy person or your primary care physician. Each can be helpful
in addressing and resolving the feelings associated with grief,
helping to facilitate the grieving process.
The Faculty and Staff Assistance Program
The Faculty and Staff Assistance Program at the University of Colorado,
Boulder is available to faculty and staff who may be experiencing
concerns related to a personal loss or concern for a friend’s
loss. To arrange an appointment, call 303-492-3020. All inquiries
are confidential.