The so-called freedom in the Western culture and customs has destroyed the Vietnamese family structure very quickly.
As soon as families come to the U.S., both parents have to go out looking for jobs to support their family. At the same time, the children spend most of their time at school or with friends. The family has very little time to be together after work and school, in order to discuss family problems or schoolwork. The family no longer consults, advises, encourages, or consoles. As a result, the family bond gradually dissolves. Since the children spend more time outside of the family than with their family, it is natural that they become Americanized quickly. Although Vietnamese parents always try their best to stop their children from becoming Americanized and to maintain their culture as much as possible, it is nearly impossible to do so.
By the time the children grow up, they are affected by the new lifestyle in this modern society, and are influenced in the name of "equality, freedom, and independence." They do not think of the family as an important part of their life anymore. Their parents are just their friends and, as friends, have no more authority over them. If children make mistakes, parents cannot punish them. Moreover, by law, parents cannot strike or hit them. The children's minds are always absorbed with the thoughts expressed by Jade Snow Wong:
Family structure is the only source to stop the children from becoming assimilated and acculturated. Parents expect children to maintain the original culture and traditional customs, in order to maintain their identities. Taking advantage of the little time to be together in the evening, or at night, Vietnamese parents try to motivate and sometimes to discipline their children, but the more they discipline, the more they face, because the law in this country does not permit parents to physically hurt their children.
As I see it, in America, the family structure seems to be unimportant. Discipline in the American family does not seem to be strict because the meaning of the term "everyone is equal" influences American families. Parents and children have equal rights. Children can argue, talk back, and even fight for their own rights. There is no hierarchy in the family system. American parents can play two roles at the same time: parents and friends. There is no way that they can physically punish their children, if their children perform badly. They can only talk about their children's mistakes and give verbal advice.
Physical punishment may also mean discipline for the Vietnamese family. Children feel shamed, along with their pain, when they are being punished. Next time, they will remember that, if they do not obey their parents, they will get pain again, so they avoid making mistakes.
This way of disciplining does not exist in American society it is called child abuse. The Ma family is an example of Vietnamese American discipline problems. They moved to the United States some time ago. Their youngest daughter is 15 years old now. She came with her family, when she was young. She learned English, and was influenced by American customs very quickly. She gained many friends and used to stay over night at her friends' houses on the weekends. She was always on the phone and, of course, she did not do well in school.
Mrs. Ma tried to talk to her daughter and both her parents also resisted punishing her, but she never listened to them. She thought that her parents would not dare beat her, because they were living in America. Her parents saw that she was getting worse and worse and, when they could not endure such behavior any more, Mr. Ma did strike her. She called the police and her father was charged some money and he was warned that, if he struck her again, he would be put in jail. Afterwards, because Mr. Ma struck his daughter again, he was jailed for three days. After his release, he became angry and desperate because he realized he could not discipline his daughter in this country the way he wanted. As a result, he let things go and ignored his daughter. He thought that, sooner or later, his daughter would learn good things through the errors she made.
I feel sorry for Mr. Ma. He was hurt very much and felt ashamed. He never believed that his own daughter could be against him. He felt that he was losing face with his neighbors, friends and relatives. What happened to Mr. Ma could never happen in Vietnam, for that would be against Vietnam traditional culture. Even in Vietnam, if she had called the police, they would not have interfered in the case. American law destroys parental authority.
In my opinion, in these troubled these parents have suffered from psychological problems and therefore, their emotional behavior is abnormal. They lose their tempers even in minor desperation. In low-income families, the parents are faced with financial destitution that can easily instigate their outrage without any reason. Sometimes, they release their outrage by physically hurting their children. All these acts of violence are considered child abuse. Of course, all these actions are not forgivable, and are quite different from the definition of child punishment.
In conclusion, Vietnamese family structure tends to be a little unique community, while the Western family structure tends to focus more on individualism. In Vietnam, parents must discipline their children, even striking them at times, because that is part of our traditional culture. Any Vietnamese parent who does not discipline their child is considered to be non-traditional. As a result, the concept does not exist in Vietnam, or in other Asian countries.
As Vietnamese children, we must maintain in the family, and respect and obey our elders. We know how hard it is to raise and nurse us. It is true that we are living in America, but we cannot forget that we are Vietnamese: our skin is yellow; our features are forever Vietnamese, so our families must maintain their uniqueness. "Do not substitute the Western philosophy into our traditional culture" (Wong, 34). Have you ever thought what would happen to the order of our households if Vietnamese children started behaving like American children?
Americans should have a clear definition between child abuse and discipline. They should learn and become more sensitive to the problem. Also, American people should improve the field of morality and community beliefs, to avoid breaking down other traditional cultures and customs from other countries.
Mayhall, Pamela D. and Katherine Eastlack Norgard. Child Abuse and Neglect: Sharing Responsibility NY: John Wiley and Sons, 1983.
Wong, Jade Snow. "A Measure of Freedom."