by Steven G. Fullwood

Sistagirls, brothermen, do you fear being alone? Tremble at the thought of being single? Are you in an abusive or difficult relationship? Listen up:

Sit your butt down. Keep it simple.

These words came from Tibet's Honorable Dalai Lama to Iyanla Vanzant. Vanzant, author of the best-selling Acts of Faith, daily meditations for African American folk, shared this and other thoughts while giving the luncheon keynote at a recent women's conference in Washington, D.C. Okay, so the Dalai didn't say, "Sit your butt down." I added that part.

I've taken a look at what I consider to be the "relationship myth" in America -- its form and function, and why so many of us cannot envision ourselves as both single and happy.

The myth, as I see it, takes no prisoners. Nearly everything in our cultures places couplings over single women and men, two over one. Our television talk shows abound with people obsessed with how-to-get, where-to-go, how-to-walk-talk-cheat-lie-crawl-beg for that special someone. Magazines boast 10 simple ways to get that special someone to fall in love with you. Radios broadcast soft, sensual sounds, and some honey-laden-voiced sister testifies, "I have nothing, nothing, nothing, if I don't have you."

Well, now. These types of cultural products can be terribly distracting while you're trying to do the shopping. You might hum along with Billie Holiday at the market, while reaching for the Raisin Bran. You stop, slap your head and wonder: where, oh where can your loverman or loverwoman be? That's when it hits you. You don't have anyone.

And that's okay. Most of us fail to recognize one simple sobering fact about our lives: we do indeed have someone--ourselves. That is, if we truly want ourselves.

Understand what you're up against. One would be hard pressed to find expressions of self-love in this society, expressions not linked to an eventual coupling or the purchase of a new pair of Reeboks. The message is: Love yourself to make yourself suitable for someone else. Unconditional self-love is a hard attribute to find in someone, these days. Most folk can't see self-love as a perpetual, liberating state of being. After all, if you love yourself unconditionally, who'd need designer clothing or Maybelline?

But let's go slow. Don't want no brains to explode.

While it may hold true that you are a product of a coupling (immaculate conception aside), you can live a healthy life as a single person. Really, I swear. You just have to get used to the fact that what will come to you, will come. In the meanwhile, you should be having the time of your life. Life is good, I tell you. You can learn a lot about yourself, when you're not in a debilitating or abusive relationship. You can be whomever you choose.

Reflect, sisters and brothers, reflect. It may be difficult to go to that space, initially. But it's the only way to mature. After a while, you can participate more fully in loving someone, because you've learned to place love for yourself first.

Surround yourself with friends who challenge you to be all that you can be, and more. Now and then, you can luxuriate in a union, exist in a union that doesn't corrupt your sense of being, or compromise who you are. You'll quickly realize that being a couple isn't a prerequisite for being human, being happy, or healthy. No man or woman can rescue you, because, well, you're doing just fine.

A burst of light.

You might say, well, what about the singles bars, singles functions and the like? But y'all know the aim: coupling. Hers and hers, his and his, and hers and his towels.

The way our cultures shove this coupling thing down our throats is terribly disabling for your average Joe or Joanne. If you're single, the implication is you're available, ever waiting with chocolates and flowers, wearing your best shirt or dress. Even the hint of a potential suitor makes your body quake with yearning. You've got your mouth all tasted up for some good, good loving. Honey, you ooze desperation.

Face it: you're hideous! You prop yourself up, all doused in perfume or aftershave, only to be picked up and picked over--and most likely by some moron that you would not, in your right mind, go near, unless there was a gun poking into your back!

I speak from experience. From nights on the prowl for unyielding, soft brown flesh. Fantasies never to appear, except in my own busy little head.

Finally, I asked myself: am I worthless, if no one tells me otherwise?

The answer knocked me out. Nothing can do that like truth.

It was then I began to investigate ways I could affirm myself, to be good to myself in ways I hadn't previously considered. In a relatively short time, my health improved, my spiritual life flourished, and my career blossomed. Child, I looked at my feet, and they were new.

Now don't get me wrong. I've got nothing against a good dicking and all, but when it comes at the expense of my self-esteem, alarms go off, I come to my senses, and come correct. I change my behavior, and the offending party is given the boot.

Being in a relationship should free you up, not chain you down. If you give love, there's no reason not to expect it returned tenfold. And, if your love isn't returned, then move on, baby.

Being single isn't the period in between relationships. Quite the opposite. You're the only one who can see to it that your needs are met. And, to do so properly, you'll have to give some serious thought as to are, just alone, being still.