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I take my coffee every
morning
and my wine every night/every few
days I need a Valium.
Coffee because I am tired, wine
because I am nerve-anxious,
Valium to cure both.
I am old. There is no child left in me.
I am having lunch with
a friend/an ex-
boyfriend and his father (who is rich), to be exact.
The father has on khakis and a tennis sweater,
which is very unusual, for an Asian parent.
But he thinks that living in Rancho Rojo Estates (or
wherever) and making big money/let him
dress white. I know better. I am old. He doesn't
order coffee with his meal.
Andrea Dworkin says,
"I have no patience
with the untorn," and my friend once said,
"Why don't the people in Chinatown/ pick themselves
up and get with it/They make me embarrassed
to be Asian." You make me embarrassed, I should
have said/But I didn't. I said nothing, and wondered what
it would be like to go through life oblivious/to never
feel the power beating on your back/to never have to
put yourself back together again.
The man who raped me
(when I am
calling it rape) took the child away/the child
that was once inside me was oblivious/but now I
can't remember what it was like when it was there.
I am too old.
Why didn't I just pick
myself up/and get on with it?
When I was small/a real
child/ the boys laughed
and made faces/Hey, Chink/Laughed and
made slanty eyes/after that I opened mine/tried to stay wide-eyed
but you can't do both/although the child
tried for a long time/not to see.
My friend's father/
in the tennis sweater says,
"I hear you're going/ to law school."
Yes, I think, I'm going
to make people like you against the law/Nobody
will be allowed to be oblivious/Nobody will be
allowed to steal a child.
Rape is not against
the law/Don't believe
what it says in the books/But drugs are
against the law/Drinking is against the law/especially
if you get drunk/then get raped/Would wearing
a tennis sweater make it OK/ OK to rape/OK to be
drunk? What does this man think--that dressing white
will buy him/a life without pain?/Will it buy away
his color/or his slanty eyes?
There is anti-Asian
sentiment everywhere /The American
public blames the Japanese for their own/fallen economy
In Baltimore, they're beating up Korean
grocers/All Asians look the same to them,
anyway/Can this man fail to notice the ways
of this world/when he raised
his son in it?
My friend/this ex-boyfriend/liked
me because I
was different/ because you could see many things
in me/that weren't Asian, if you tried very hard/to
ignore the Asian/He ignored his own Asian/and it
was easy/He has all the child left in him.
Now that I have no child/no
white dress/just my
eyes which don't open all the way/and my straight
hair and my yellow skin/will I have enough/to
survive/enough to face the untorn?
What would it be like
if there were just
women/Just women who were all one color/ and one
size/and one wealth/Would we understand/And
if the world were all men/one color/one size one
wealth/would they still rape each other?/When you've
always been the one in power/You cannot understand
what it's like/not to have it./Is that their excuse?
Excuse me, I say, I
have to use the restroom. /No, don't
stand up, I want to say, I'm only going to
puke /You make me want to puke.
I give every Asian person a chance/I don't
give every white person a chance/But if
you're Asian/I'll let you in
because I consider you/part
of me/except lately
I am feeling old/and tired.
Back at the table/smiling
at the
tennis sweater/and his son
They are talking business/man's talk/about
taking over and doubling profits/and
making them pay/for messing with us
Has anyone ever made them
pay?/Consume, indulge, devour
They are good at that/and don't always need
stimulants with their meals/because when
they are finally tired/they can take
whatever/whomever/they like
and go to bed.
Being raped has made
me tired/weakened
from the struggle that lasted only
twenty minutes/for the man but has ruined
my next twenty years/And every few days, I reach
into the top drawer/for the bottle I stole
from my mother/who was tired/The bottle clearly marked
Valium/So when they find me/if I ever get too tired
They'll know what to do/How do we come to have
just that twenty minutes/of power?
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