Where is the cream filling? Where is God, when I need Him?
February 2004

 People come to a point in their life where reality harshly hits them. Most grow into adolescence with an innocent optimism. However, something or things happen to distort and obscure this brightness. When I was young, my cousin in Korea committed suicide. I wondered for a very long time, what happened and why did my cousin end her own life. However, most of us have thought about suicide at least once in our life time, some more than others. This is a sad truth!

It is not very difficult to see and point out the evils of our world. Our university is recently under an investigation for a sex scandal within the football program. Women are afraid to walk on our campus during the night. The Boulder investigation for the sexual molestation and murder of Jon-Benet Ramsey is still open after many years. In addition, within our own lives we find hardship, pain and suffering. I want to encourage those who are defeated and hopeless.

High school was very difficult for me because it was very turbulent for my family. My parents' marriage was poor and became worse when I entered college. Financial crisis, pain and distrust continued to break my family. These poisonous things, four semesters ago, erupted and totally changed my life.

When I stop to think about my grandpa, I feel love and warm memories. He passed away suddenly in the spring of 2002. Two months after, my parents announced their divorce. My sense of life turned up-side down and changed my attitude and focus in life.

When bad things happen, our first response might be to seek God. However, in crisis we lose patience and ask, "Where is God?" Weeks and months went by and God's voice and love felt very far from me. I couldn't find comfort and hope in anything. I began to rebel against God inwardly; my thoughts and attitudes drifted away from Him.

It took almost a year for me to realize that my suffering was a blessing from God. "(v.5)...My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, (v.6), because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son...(v.9) Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and Live?" (Hebrews 11). That time of suffering was the refiner's fire, "purify my heart, and let me be as gold and precious silver".

Silver and gold is precious because of its brilliance and purity. Commonly unknown, both metals are raw and tainted with impurities when first mined. Its' brilliance and worth is a process; the Refiner must treat both metals in fire many times. Don't lose hope if you are hopeless. There is a purpose to our sufferings. God refines those he loves!

I made a horrible mistake in those past two semesters. When doubt crept in to my heart, I listened to its lies. The lie, that God didn't care enough and was far away. I stopped fellowshipping with Christ. But don't get me wrong, we must take full responsibility and not pass the blame on someone or something else. My suffering became more grueling when I choose to distance myself from Christ. Stay true to Jesus and meet with Him daily. He is listening, He is there! "(v.1) I am the true vine and my Father is the gardener. (v.2) He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. (v.3) You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me" (John 15). Pruning is difficult and painful but hold steadfast to Christ and the Word.

It is easy to be overwhelmed, defeated and hopeless when bad things happen. Pain and suffering is all around us. We find it in our communities and within our own heart. When I think about my life in retrospect, I still feel uneasy. I still live with the bad fruit of my parent's ill choices and my family continues to struggle. In spite of this, if I never went through the wilderness, I would still be living in misconception and ignorance to God's love and grace. God has and is good to me! He has poured out his blessings upon me through my suffering. Don't lose hope and keep it real with Christ. Pruning and refinement hurts, but it is in our best interest. What if our parents never disciplined us? We have become responsible and thoughtful adults through our parent's discipline and not through our own will. Apart from God we can do nothing. Don't make my mistake and give up in meeting with Christ. Persevere and press on my brethren. "(v.16) Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. (v.17) For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (2 Corinthians 4).

-Written By David Pak