Date: Fri, 8 Sep 2000 16:01:20 -0600 (MDT)
From: Irene Majerfeld <irenem@stripe.Colorado.EDU>
To: Gimenez Martha <gimenez@csf.colorado.edu>
Subject: late breaking news (fwd)

NEW THEORY: GOD DID IT!
This hilarious piece is from Skeptic magazine subscriber and e-Skeptic subscriber Ed Lankford. I think you'll all enjoy it.

Scientists: "God did it."
by Edward K Lankford

Washington, D.C. (AP) - At a press conference today at the headquarters of the National Academy of Sciences, leading scientists from around the world made a startling announcement: "God did it."

Making the historic announcement was noted Harvard biologist Stephen J. Gould, author of numerous books on evolution. "For generations, we scientists have devoted our lives to finding out answers to the riddles of the universe," said Gould, "and now we finally know!"

The announcement came after a month long moratorium on science that resulted from a letter the world's religious leaders sent to every known scientist asking them to seriously consider "the God hypothesis."

"At first, I threw the letter in the trash," said Richard Dawkins, renowned evolutionist and author of The Blind Watchmaker, who joined Gould at the podium. "But then, although I had heard such claims before, this time it just seemed like I should consider it seriously."

The letter, signed by religious leaders as diverse as Pope John Paul II and John Travolta, urged scientists to "stop your atrocious deitectomy and think about the ramifications of your actions."

Within two weeks, a secret council of principal scientists from every field gathered at the NAS to discuss "the God hypothesis."

"We were unsure at first where to start," said cosmologist Timothy Ferris. "I mean, it was so radical to everything we had ever thought of before."

"There were many arguments and even a few fist fights broke out on the floor," said psychologist Susan Blackmore. "It wasn't until someone pointed out all the gaps in our knowledge that serious debate happened."

Two-time Pulitzer Prize winning biologist Edward O. Wilson, sporting a black eye, explained what happened next: "We all knew that we haven't figured everything out and we began asking the tough question: if we don't know, how do we explain it? Eventually, 'God did it' became the buzz phrase."

According to some reports, world-famous cosmologist and wheelchair-bound Stephen Hawking was the only hold out as the council neared its end Sunday. After many calls from reporters on his take, though, he was wheeled out by Dawkins, his left arm in a sling, and would only say "Praise Him, praise Him, praise Him!" through his mechanical voice box.

Now that science has come to end, what next? "The Theory of God has finally accomplished what scientists have always wanted: closure," said Gould. "Now we can get on with our lives confident that all the mysteries of the universe have been solved. I plan on tending to my garden and opening up a health food store."

But not all scientists are giving up, however. "God Theory has solved a lot of our problems but the next step is to figure out a Law of God," said Ferris.

"There's nothing to figure out," said Wilson. "The Law of God can be summed up in ten simple equations and they can all be found in Exodus 20."

While the world's scientists are satisfied, it is unclear how others will react.

"Who the non-hell do they think they are, these so-called scientists?!?" read a letter delivered to the NAS shortly before the press conference. Signed by "The Army of Godless," a known group of militant atheists, the letter threatened to "squash the non-souls of these scientists all over uncreation."

Others, though, are quite happy about the scientists' change of heart. "Finally, after all the time and energy I've used to overthrow materialistic naturalism, the scientists finally listened," said Berkley law professor Phillip Johnson, author or Defeating Darwinism By Opening Minds.

"We're very excited about the possibilities," said Michael Shermer, publisher of Skeptic magazine. "If scientists can use the God hypothesis to explain things, then so can we: UFOs, spontaneous human combustion, Bigfoot, alien abductions...at last all these things we skeptics have challenged for years now have a prosaic and cohesive explanation: God did it."

"The watchmaker was blind but now He sees!" added Dawkins.

--
Keith Lankford
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Georgia Center for Continuing Education keith_lankford@gactr.uga.edu
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http://www.themestream.com/gspd_browse/author/view_author_info.gsp?auth_id=761

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Lankford, 24, is a senior in Mathematics Education at the University of Georgia. His writes a weekly column at ThemeStream.com called Doubting Thomas.

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